There's a sport for everyone.

There’s a sport for everyone.

“In the summer of 1984, three teenagers went to war.”

I would never go as far as to say that I hate sport as a concept, but I’m definitely not a fan. Oh sure, I’ll pay vague attention to the Euros or World Cup because my family usually have a sweepstake and money makes everything more interesting (this year I had Iceland, which started out more promising than I imagined). And I quite like the Olympics, too, if only for the spectacle of the thing and my nerdy love of lists and trivia, the Olympics being a non-stop barrage of medal tables and facts about the highest, longest, fastest, biggest, and so on.

But other than that, sport basically leaves me cold. I believe that if footballers are going to get paid that much then they should at least have the decency to be good. I don’t get how cricket can last five days and still end in a draw. I think wrestling is a waste of time, boxing is needlessly violent, golf is a good walk ruined, American football is actually just a stream of advertisements with twenty seconds of play in between, and I reserve a special hatred for tennis, with its weirdly intricate scoring system and all that bizarre grunting. PE lessons were the bane of my life at school, and while since then I have tried my hand at swimming, badminton and squash, the only physical activity I get very excited about is crazy golf.

The same is true of Andy Miller. A self-proclaimed sports atheist, he doesn’t understand anything to do with sport or why it’s so popular. It’s drilled into his head at school, where he is belittled by psychotic games teachers, that real men love sport and anyone who doesn’t is, well, a bit weird. Andy becomes determined to find a sport he enjoys and settles on miniature golf, which turns out to be less “windmills and water hazards” and more “specific equipment and competitive Germans”.

While getting in too deep with organisations that run miniature golf tournaments, Andy finds his game improving and starts learning to love the game, even. Along the way he begins regularly attending the football matches of Queen’s Park Rangers, finds himself reminded that to visit Wimbledon is to spend the day queuing, discovers that the Boat Race is fine as long as you’re drunk, marvels at the sheer spectacle of WWF wrestling, and even interviews a couple of PE teachers who turn out not to be psychopaths.

Genuinely funny, and insanely detailed in places when covering the games of miniature golf he and his new friends play, the book is a real laugh. As a fellow sports atheist, I can relate to him on so many levels, from his horror of having to take part in hockey lessons at school, to his English awkwardness on a Danish crazy golf course with some very loud Europeans. But he shines a light on some aspects of sports that I’d never considered, and his summary of how all sports are basically the same is a masterpiece.

A ball must be thrown or hit or pushed with a hand or foot or some kind of stick. Two individuals or two groups of individuals compete against one another on land or water or even in the air. They must ensure that they perform this activity within some designate lines or on a table or in a ring. In general, they must try not to fall over.

Truth is, ask me to the park on a warm day for a kickaround, or a friendly game of cricket and I’d probably be up for it, unless I’m in the middle of a particularly good book, which I usually am. Hell, let’s go swimming. I always enjoy a dip. But I think, like Andy realises, that what ruins sports more often than not is the people and companies around them. Capitalism has a lot to answer for, and sucking the fun out of sport is just one more of them. After all, a sport is really just a game with the fun removed anyway. Like Andy, I will never fully understand this world, but I guess millions can’t be wrong. Roll on, Rio 2016!

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