Planning an invasion?

Planning an invasion?

“Thank you for choosing the planet Earth as your conquest target of choice.”

Throughout history, many races have attempted to take over the planet, be they Martians, Daleks or Deros. However, thanks to humanity’s propensity to show itself as the hero in any given situation, they have been vanquished (almost) every time. However, now the odds of our destruction have increased thanks to this book which provides a handy guide to any species in the universe planning to attack Earth.

With his tongue planted firmly in his cheek, David McIntee provides a brief overview of the planet that we call home, detailing its physical appearance, location in space, varying environs and the nature of the dominant species, us humans. It doesn’t appeal specifically to a certain alien species, but rather takes broad strokes and suggests they could be from anywhere. It also deals with how to invade the planet if you’re a human coming from a different time or dimension.

It opens with details of physics and chemistry, giving the basic make up of the planet, and quickly moves into discussing how to invade, with much talk of the use of asteroid bombardment. It covers every possible eventuality, depending on what purpose you need the Earth for (mining, farming, sanctuary, military strategy) and whether or not you need or want to keep humans alive, although it does generally say that unless you’re using them for slavery or food, it’s best to wipe them out because they’re a tenacious, violent species who will fight back, although they can usually be calmed with the use of bribery or religion.

The book is also loaded with references to previous attempts to attack the planet shown in the propaganda transmissions that humans have been beaming into space for the last few decades, with things like Doctor Who, The War of the Worlds, Stargate and Star Trek. Some of these references are pointed out and explained openly, but others are much more subtle and require you to have a little knowledge about the subjects at hand (for example, see if you can spot the singular reference to Torchwood or American Dad).

It’s not a difficult read, but in truth it is a textbook about Earth and humanity wrapped up in a new binding and with extra chapters thrown in about extraterrestrial warfare. Some parts are hugely interesting and funny, but others – especially the chapters going into great detail on military tactics – are rather dry, but that’s a personal preference. It also seems to assume that any invaders will be arriving in the early 21st century, or perhaps this is the latest update to a universally famous book…

All in all, it’s a clever concept and leaves you in no doubt at all that we are being foolish by not setting up planetary defences immediately. Should this book find its way into alien hands, we’re all in trouble.